Stages of a Relationship (Part 2- Falling Apart)

Stage One: Differentiating
The interdependence of their courting stage is no longer so attractive. Now they are beginning to focus on how different they are, and much of their conversation is about their differences rather than similarities. To some extent, the differentiating stage is a healthy phase that most couples experience.
The differentiating stage can be worked out if the differences are not too great. The differences the two recognized and tolerated become focal points for discussion and argument. The most visible sign of differentiating is conflict. But differentiating can take place without conflict.

Stage Two: Circumscribing
At this stage, less and less information is exchanged. For them, it is better to stay away from mentioning them in order to avoid a full scale fight. Conversation is superficial. The number of interactions is decrease, the depth of discussions is reduced, and the duration of each conversation is shortened. Because communication is constricted, the relationship is constricted. Persons who are in this stage often cover up their relationship problems.

Stage Three: Stagnating
The stagnating stage is a time of inactivity. The relationship has no chance to grow, and when the partners communicate, they talk like strangers. The subject of the relationship itself is now off limits. How long this stage lasts depends on many things. Most couples whose relationship reaches this stage feel a lot of pain. They may find it hard to separate and may hold on to the hope that they can still work things out.

Stage Four: Avoiding
The avoiding stage involves physical separation. The parties avoid face-to-face interaction. They are not interested in spending time together. This stage is usually characterized by unfriendliness, hostility and antagonism.

Stage Five: Terminating
The participants find a way to bring their relationship to an end. Both parties are preparing themselves for life without the other. Differences are emphasized, and communication is difficult and awkward.
Knapp, in “The Rhetoric of Goodbye” state three distinct types of statements that commonly occur in terminating relationship.
First; there are the summary statements. “Well, we certainly have tried to make a go of it”
Secondly; statements that signal the likelihood of decreased access. “It might be better if we didn’t see each other quite so often”.
Finally; there are messages that predict what the future relationship (if any) will be like. “I don’t ever want to see you again”.

So, that’s it. Think about your relationship again. As for me, I’m at integrating stage, with my best friend, of course (hey, we’ve known each other for eight years!). We can predict our emotion. And sometimes, my best friend can sense that I’m in trouble and need support. So, he will be with me (on the phone!) and help to go through those difficult times.

At which stage you are?

Stages of a Relationship (Part 1- Coming Together)

This is sort of a summary from a note that I found among my thousand notes during Foundation Years. It is from a writer and researcher on relationship, mark L. Knapp. According to him, there are two parts of stages of a relationship, which are coming together and falling apart.
Check out at which stage you are at now!

Stage One: Initiating
People start their relationship at this stage. They probably assessed each other in various stages- such as clothes, physical attractiveness, and beliefs and attitude. From all these observations each begun to make judgment about the other.

Stage Two: Experimenting
In this stage, people make a conscious effort to seek out common interest and experiences. They experiment by expressing their ideas, attitudes and values and by seeing how the other person reacts.
Example: They talk about their families and their friends.

Stage Three: Intensifying
They enjoy each other’s company and start to self- disclose. They also call each other by nicknames, developed ‘shorthand’ way of speaking, jokes that no other can understand, reveal shared assumptions and expectations. Trust becomes important and they start to make expressions of commitment. At this stage, openness has its risk.

Stage Four: Integrating
The point where their individual personalities are beginning to merge. People expect to see them together. They do most things together. Their friends assume that if they invite one, they should invite the other. Each of them is able to predict and explain the behavior of the other.
The integrating stage is reached only when people develop deep and important relationships. Those who reach this stage are usually best friends, couples or parents and children.

Stage Five: Bonding
The last coming-together stage of a relationship. The participants make some sort of formal commitment that announces their relationship to those around them. For example, engagement or marriage. It is a step that is taken when the participants have some sort of long-term commitment to their relationship.

Hari Lahir Yang Malang…

Tahun ni aku menyambut hari lahir dengan title cikgu. Tak ada yang best pun. In fact memang tak best langsung. Hari itu di isi dengan kemarahan yang membara. Aku marah sangat dengan students aku. I can’t even enjoy the blessing of sunlight on my birthday. Ntah apa la malangnya...

Cincin Emas

Pemberian ku tak di terima
Ku tanya kenapa
Dengan perlahan dia berkata
Dia sudah ada yang punya
Cincin mas di kembalikan
Di letak di tapak tangan
Ku pakai di jariku
Untuk kenangan bersamamu…

Lagu ni memang tak berkait lagsung dengan aku. Tapi cincin di jari aku memang sering menimbulkan tanda tanya. Nape semua sibuk sangat? Aku dah pakai cincin sejak aku habis SPM lagi. Dari matrik KMM sampai MPTI. Pastu masuk UPM masuk MPTI(IPTI) balik..memang aku pakai cincin. Tapi memang ianya dua cincin yang berbeza. Dari matrik sampai aku practical, cincin yang sama. Tapi bila mak pergi, aku sarungkan cincin belah rotan pusaka. Memang itu cincin yang aku idamkan selama ni. Dan mak memang tau.
Dan aku masih mencari Adi Fimiyun, Ziryad, Chen-Chung, dsb.
Aku masih mencari kucing baka Vann. Kucing Gemuk di Masjid Biru…

Hentian Rindu

Kali kedua turun JB. Abang ‘azhar’ tetap tak ku temui. Tapi yang penting, aku tetap dapat diskaun untuk novel baru Ramlee Awang Murshid! Sukasukasuki…hihihi….

(Aku dah ada complete trilogi novel ni. Bagaikan Puteri, Cinta Sang Ratu and finally Hijab Sang Pencinta)

Dah Habis Belajar

Finally after 6 consecutive years… aku habis belajar. Banyak yang aku rindu. Aku rindukan maktab. Masa FC, habis kelas masing-masing tido. Haha..macam kata Zarin, benda yang paling dia rindu masa kat UPM dulu adalah tido petang kat maktab. Petang-petang, dalam pukul 5.45 – 6.00 p.m., mula la menapak keluar. Isi perut. Jalan-jalan sampai penat, sebab mendaki bukit kat maktab. Lalu antara dua padang. Ramai pakcik-pakcik PKPG PJ yang tak sedar diri. Haha… agaknya tu memang typical budak PJ kot. Dari stok-stok KDPM sampai la PKPG, sume nyer hamsap. Malam-malam kalau rajin stadi. Tapi memang ramai yang tak nak merajinkan diri. Busy pun bila nak hantar assignment. Alahai..budak-budak lagi masa tu. FC lg…
First year degree pun xde beza sangat dr masa FC. Memang tak de kesedaran sivik tol!

(Gambar menunjukkan kenangan bersama Abg Ed. Dalam gerimis manja, kami bergambar bersama. Abg Ed dengan geramnya berkata "Because all of you, I've to be an ugly person today"- baca: Abg Ed memang anti dengan orang yang pijak rumput hehe..)
Second and third year degree. Time ni dah masuk UPM. Univeristi Putri Malaysia. Sebabnya ramai perempuan. Huhu…tak caya tengok aja la coursemates aku. 40 girls and 12 boys… memang dah nak pupus.
Time ni la banyak benda yang aku buat. Tempat lepak utama, Mid Valley. Walaupun aku pegi MV hampir tiap-tiap minggu, tak tau nape aku mesti sesat. Nape ntah, sama la macam kalau aku pegi City Square (CS). Klu x g MV pun, mesti g KLCC. Bukannye kaya sangat, tapi sebab suka melepak kat Kinokuniya. Kalau MV pulak, aku lepak kat MPH. dok kat situ sampai malam pun takpe sebab dapat baca buku free. Hahaha.. barang free memang seronok.
Lagi satu benda yang aku rindu masa kat UPM adalah tengok teater. Wa… aku nak tengok teater lagi… dah la 25- 30 Ogos ni ada teater ‘2 jam sebelum Sultan Alauddin Syahid Dibunuh’. Teks best lak tu, dari Faisal Tehrani (FT). Pas tu yang berlakon lak Ludinata, ex fellow K6. Alahai... bila lagi aku dapat jumpa dia. (tak tau kenapa aku boleh minat Ludinata sejak aku sekolah lagi… pelik nye.harap-harap aku ada peluang nak mintak autograph dari dia! Hehe). Tapi yang pasti, anak Ludinata ni memang comeyl habeshhhh… Izz Hakimi Hiroshi.
Opss..sebelum terlupa, aku rindu nak minum Mocha Freez kat kafe Kolej Serumpun. Minuman yang bisa trigger migraine aku. Nghahaha…
My Final year degree. Masuk la maktab balik. Blok baru dah nampak buruk, tapi still di panggil blok baru. Dah tak de yang best sangat. Masa final sem, hidup memang kelam kabut, harubirukundang hidup. Tapi, kenangan seminggu terakhir itu sangat mengesankan. KJ yang berbudi pun pencen. Thanks a lot Miss Loh! Abang ‘B’ yang beracun pun kitaorang bagi hadiah. Kalau tengok kad yang kitaorang bagi kat dia tu mesti dia sumpah kitaorang habis-habis! Tapi takpe…kitaorang dah cabut dulu… haha… Abang ‘B’ memang tetap Abang ‘B’…. dalam mimpila budak-budak TESL dia sayang…
Pejam celik pejam celik dah habis belajar. Tapi kenangan tu akan tetap di ingatan. Hari-hari awal di maktab buruk tu..(yang mengerikan) dan hari-hari terakhir yang mengharukan.
Seperti kata Miss Prema, “we will always have soft spot for you guys. Because you are our first born. Our first baby”. Yup, and we also face the hardest, most difficult things throughout the six years. But, that’s what makes us now.
Terima kasih kenangan. Terima kasih pada budi. Terima kasih kawan- teman- lawan. Terima kasih pada pensyarah-pensyarah yang tak jemu membimbing (ada jugak yang menengking). Terima kasih pengalaman.